| my dad |
[Jul. 31st, 2008|04:58 pm] |
I got up around 430 and my dad was in the kitchen. I asked him, "So how did it go?"
"I have to get on chemotherapy. I have cancer in the pancreas. The doctor said that once it gets smaller and smaller, they will perform surgery to remove it."
I asked him if it were malignant, but he said that the doctor told him everything was going to be all right, so my dad said, "Okay, everything is going to be all right."
He has to go back to his doctor to and will find out then when he starts.
He still hasn't told my brother or sister. We are going to have some sort of meeting once he starts chemo.
He still plans on going back to the Philippines as long as the doctor said he was healthy enough. He asked if I wanted to go with him. I just might. I don't know. We'll see what this brings us. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|07:18 am] |
Yesterday afternoon, my dad had mentioned to me casually that he might be sick. He was in the kitchen at the counter cutting meat. I asked him what was wrong with him, but he wouldn't tell me. He said that he will tell me after he goes to the doctors on Thursday. I didn't want to press the issue. I figured he would tell me in due time.
This morning, I sat and ate breakfast with him. He told me that he is going in for a biopsy tomorrow for his pancreas. They found a lump or at least something there. He doesn't know how long it's been there, but he thinks it's what is causing his loss of appetite. He believes that everything is going to be all right. But, in case something isn't, he told me that we kids have to take care of my mom. She won't be able to afford the house payment on her own. Once my dad is gone, his Navy retirement and his Commissary pension stops.
I know that he he is worried. In fact, it is his lack of worry that makes me know he's worried. His quietness about it seems that he is in deep thought about it.
I'm still in denial about it. I don't want to think about it until after his exam tomorrow. As much as I didn't get along with him in the past, I cannot see my dad gone.
I don't want to think about it. |
|
|
| My New Boss |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|07:42 am] |
So, I finally got around to meeting my new boss this morning. I left work feeling good about it. But thinking back to the conversation we had, I still am not eager to work with him.
Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy. But at the same time, I don't know if our personalities are going to match. Luckily, he won't be working "with" me very often. I told him, working the graveyard shift, that I basically didn't have to see him. He could just email me anything.
There is something that he said and the way in which he said something to me that I am now not liking. I had mentioned to him that I didn't think it was busy enough during my shift to have another person there. But he said, "Well, I've seen the numbers and I believe it is." So backed off. But, I didn't like the way he said it. It was like, "Don't tell me what to do."
Perhaps I am being too standoffish but we'll see. |
|
|
| Mental Meltdown |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|07:27 am] |
I think that I'm this close to having a breakdown. The last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful.
Not only did I lose one of my best friends (Jer), I also have to deal with drama at work.
A couple of weeks ago, Jer and I got into an argument where, in the middle of the restaurant, he threw a bowl to the ground and splashed water all over the table. To be honest, he had been, since he got from China, a closer friend to me than my others. Now, I feel almost friendless. Lonely.
At work, there's this girl, who I've mentioned before, who really, really did something that pissed everyone off. And now, I admit, it's a little like high school. Our whole group doesn't like her and now the other team doesn't seem to really like us for it (or at least, they don't like me anymore).
I just feel sick and tired and I just want to throw up, and as much as I want to drown myself in something productive, I still find my idle time stressful. |
|
|
| Something not good happened. |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|06:34 am] |
|
I'm not going to go into too much detail as I am way too sleepy to. However, I will just say that yesterday night wasn't a very good night at all. :( |
|
|
| Nothing to say |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|06:54 am] |
I took down RI.Org. I'm not going to make any empty promises to bring it back up. I renewed the name for another year, so at least I'll have the opportunity to bring it back up if I needed or wanted to. I deleted it because I didn't want it sitting there in case someone I didn't want to come across my site and happen to somehow.
Now that I have a laptop, I'm finding that I'm not putting it to use as much as I should and for the right reasons. Granted, I am using it somewhat for my online classes, however I do most of my reading at work, on my work computer. True, I'm not supposed to, however, I don't get any wireless connections, so I have to use the work computers to connect. It's not like I'm view something inappropriate anyways.
Anyway, in case you wondered where I was, I'm just off doing my own thing. |
|
|
| Where I am |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|04:33 pm] |
So I typed up an entry about how my nsi.com site is down because of stupid stuff and I will be looking for a new server once my account has been unlocked, but livejournal ate it.
But, in case you wanted to know where I was, that's where I am. |
|
|
| GROUCHY |
[Sep. 29th, 2005|01:34 pm] |
I am so fucking grouchy right now.
I haven't been able to sleep well or at least AT ALL lately. I tend to go through these cycles of NO SLEEP, TOO TENSE, and I'm sure the MUST SLEEP ALL DAY, REFUSE TO GET OUT OF BED cycle will be coming soon.
I feel like I was practically yelling at Rob to "MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND. I WANT MY GODDAMNED LAPTOP." He was considering changing a couple of things in his laptop order, which was in THE SAME ORDER AS MINE, and since HE WOULDN'T MAKE UP HIS GODDAMNED MIND, THE LONGER *I* HAD TO WAIT FOR MY LAPTOP. I gave him advice on what I thought he should do, but he still wanted to check with his friend's computer guru brother on what to do. WHEN I SAY ASK HIM, I'M NOT WAITING 3 DAYS. AND WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO ASK HIM, YOU BETTER HANG UP THE PHONE AND CALL HIM, OR EMAIL HIM SO HE HAS A HEADS UP THAT YOU NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM.
And it really isn't that fair to Rob. I know that my grouchiness tends to lash out on the unfortunate few around me. And seeing as though my cat isn't engaged in me right now, and is hiding high upon the kitchen cabinets, it would be hard to get pissed at him right now.
I think it's the PMS. My jerky visitor is coming next week. Or, worst of all, I'm pissed off at myself for being grouchy toward Rob. Or maybe it's work. Because someone is really irritating the hell out of me. Or maybe because I'm working out in the morning before going to sleep, that I just can't fall asleep, which causes me to be even more grouchy. Maybe it's because I just can't believe I dropped down $4500 buying laptops and computers (for my mom, boyfriend, and sister's boyfriend, who all, will pay me back, but still spending $1000 for mine), and worrying about my credit report and score.
I DON'T KNOW. MY FOREHEAD HURTS FROM BEING TOO TENSE. MY SHOULDER BLADE MUSCLES HURT FROM BEING TOO TENSE. I JUST HAVE THIS ANGER IN MY HEART THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO GET RID OF.
I AM ONLY RUNNING ON SO LITTLE HOURS OF SLEEP RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S 5 HOURS PASSED MY BEDTIME SO I CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHATEVER IT SAYS IN THIS ENTRY. |
|
|
| Substance use leads to substance abuse. |
[Sep. 17th, 2005|08:04 am] |
This journal entry isn't about what I wanted to rant about on my other site. What I wanted to rant about was work-related, and the last thing I need to do is get myself fired. A lot of people on my team have my website address, and the last thing I want is for them to read what I have to say about what I think about work.
So, I'm taking Biology, Anthropology and Nutrition, as well as working out. All this is leading to be a little more healthier than I was before. In learning about basic life, human life, and human health as well as being more physically active to promote health, I find it troubling the kind of lifestyle Rob is chosing to lead. We had issues about his smoking, and so far, we've agreed that we wouldn't argue about it anymore. We've touched upon his drinking, but it's still a semi-sensitive issue that I don't want to bring up again.
It's weird because we went through this month long thing where he was mulling over the fact that I do not agree with those two choices. He felt that "smoking is a part of [his] identity. His family smokes. His friends smoke...." etc etc. I know that it's odd to think of it as your "identity" than a bad habit. But in any case, we went up to visit his family a couple of weeks ago when his brother was in town. Now, his sister doesn't smoke and never has. His brother quit smoking when he was in Saudi Arabia a year ago. His mother even quit cold turkey several months ago. Well, when we went up to visit, his dad even said that he wanted to quit smoking. Now, keep in mind that his dad is a chain smoker and has been since he was back in Vietnam. 30 years later, he has the idea to quit smoking? He knows he won't be able to. But, despite that, just the fact that he even considered it is amazing to me. Now, all who is left is Rob. Rob, who was so adamant about "this is who he is" because this is what his family is?
Now, for instance, I'm reading in my nutrition book about the life span of people who drink more than 1 drink of hard alcohol a day, and learning in biology and anthropology about liver cells and other vital parts of the body being affected by alcohol, and I think of Rob.
I maybe making it out like he's an alcoholic. Whereas, it's not as bad as I maybe putting it. I'm not there at night when he's home from work, because I'm at work, but I know that he does drink maybe an average of 3 or so. He told me before, that he doesn't drink everyday. Since I'm only with him 2 nights a week, the 2 nights a week, I see him drinking. He doesn't drink to get drunk/plastered. Believe it or not, he drinks for "the taste." He could hold his liquor very, very well, and in large quantities since he's a pretty big guy.
I'm troubled with what to do. After everything that I went through with my dad drinking, which shut me off completely to drinking, here I am with someone who drinks. You know, I promised myself that I wouldn't end up with someone like my dad. I think that's why I'm not into Filipino guys. Granted Rob and my dad's personalities are different. But, here I am with someone who smokes and drinks--2 things that I don't stand for.
When we were courting, Rob seemed bitter about the history he had with his dad. His dad is a Vietnam vet who suffers from Post Traumatic Syndrome from what he had been through during the war. Because of it, his dad is an alcoholic. He remembered his dad showing up drunk to his softball games and being embarrassed because of it. When Rob's parents divorced, it really hurt Rob psychologically and emotionally. His mom divorced him because of his drinking and because of that, his dad wasn't there for the second half of his childhood. The way he spoke to Rob sometimes and how he acted, it seemed to me in Rob's mind that he didn't want to turn out like that. And yet, here he is following his dad's footsteps.
It troubles me. That we stand up for a believe/principle, and yet we have a hard time following it.
I wonder if down the line I, too, won't stand for it and leave. Not because he shows up drunk to little league games (because I already know that that won't happen and will never get to that point, not because I wouldn't let it, but because I know that Rob wouldn't let it). But just because we're too tenacious.
I try to argue the emotional factor. I ask him, "Don't you want to see your grandkids grow up?" And I wonder, is it worth it and do I really want to be alone widowed when I'm 40? |
|
|
| My Mom |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|10:50 am] |
I cannot help but feel really guilty for snapping at my mom on Friday. And although I know better and would it be any other person, I would probably have apologized by now. But, in my family, for some reason, we all have learned that the way of apology isn't by confronting the problem, it's by ignoring that it happened and continue on with our lives.
I don't know why of all people I treat my mother this way. I'll admit, I'm a horrible daughter. I may be "dutiful" if I have to, but while my brother and sister talk to her, I still am shut off to most of all her.
When I moved back it, I wouldn't necessarily "forgave" my dad for hitting me, but I will admit that it's a lot easier to be in the same house as he is. I guess this is partly because I see him almost "senile." He can't hear anything and could barely see anything, and the best part of our relationship is that we leave each other alone. We only talk to each other usually when it's necessary. There is small talk between us, now, because there really wasn't any before, but, the conversation doesn't last that long, or if it did, I would know better than to stay around for all it is is just lecturing and my dad tends to repeat himself over, and over again. So really, it's the same conversation we just had had, so it's easier to walk away knowing I haven't missed anything. He gets the point, too, when I need to leave, and he'll know when to stop the conversation anyway.
My mom on the other hand is different. She will just not get the clue. I understand that she maybe lonely or want to talk to someone. But when I'm passing in the hall to go to the bathroom, she'll talk to me. And I'll stand there in the doorway of the bathroom trying to finish the conversation, and even when I start to close the door so that she could take the hint that I'm going to start taking a shower, she'll talk THROUGH THE DOOR, AND EVEN WHEN THE DOOR IS CLOSED. And it irritates me, because I have to open it back up because I can't hear a damned word that she is saying. And she'll just keep on keeping on. She's always asking questions which is something I found myself doing [to other people].
When I'm at home in my room, I really am in there because I want to be left alone. I don't expect conversation with my dad, or even when Shauna is there, but my mom doesn't understand that. If I wanted to be "alone" I would hang out at Rob's all day. But when I want REFUGE even from his condo, I would go home and it's an entirely higher and different level of privacy I expect.
More and more I find myself more like her. I've come to realize recently how similar we are. We are both "pack rats" as Rob tells me. I like to call it "being prepared for any situation." My mom and I have this thing about finding solutions for "problems" even if they aren't "problems" perse, but more like, inconveniences. Let's just say that if there were something you didn't know you were inconvenienced about, my mom and I are the ones who would probably have something to make your life easier when you didn't even know it was "hard" to begin with. "Resourceful" I guess is a better word.
My mom and I are both the same in personality and intelligence. We are both the middle children in our family. We are both very shy and introverted. My mom and I are the "book smarts" of the family. While I'm not saying that my sister or brother are "dumb" my mom and I are very intuitive--it just comes naturally. There's a difference between working hard for an "A" (by way of studying and preparing and whatnot) and just getting it. The "pulling a Zack Morris" if anyone remembers that episode of "Saved by the Bell" where Zack Morris, the biggest slacker ends up getting a 1600 on his SATS whereas Jesse who always got straight A's in her life got a lower score.
Maybe it's because we're so the same that I don't have a relationship with her.
Like I said, my brother and sister have "opened" up to her. I wouldn't say that they have the kind of relationship where they would "confide" in each other, but they do have conversation.
I appreciate all that my parents do. I really do. When I talk about them to other people, it's usually in a good, almost reminiscent tone. Despite the bad times we've had, I always seem to remember and bring up the good ones. It makes me realize that there were good ones.
Someday. I know that someday I'm going to have to open up and someday I will, even if it's just a little. I just don't know why I can't bring myself to do it now. |
|
|
| Must Sleep... |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|06:36 am] |
|
Yesterday I didn't get very much sleep so although I want to type up something, it will have to wait. The only good thing is, is that sleep with stop the thinking and let me overcome this emptiness at least for a little while. |
|
|
| Another Fourth Alone |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|08:15 pm] |
|
The fireworks I have yet to see with someone will have to hold off until another year. |
|
|
| Who I am |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|10:46 am] |
Last night I was thinking about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. The thoughts first ignited from a conversation in the car with Rob. He mentioned that I seem to be a lot happier when I'm around Shauna and Jer, when we're out shopping, or when I'm just watching my shows on TV by myself or on the computer.
But then, later that night, I went out to Jer's birthday party, and I saw the way that Shauna was. She was so full of life and so full of energy. I wonder why I wasn't like that anymore. I'd like to think that I used to be. I was rereading some of my past journal entries and I saw in me this want to be someone different. I saw myself wanting to be more than I who I was--I wanted to grow out of my comfort level.
Maybe I've just leveled out from my bipolarness, and the result is this blase being.
In all honesty, I miss the way I was. This whole new me that I'm trying to be--the way I dress, the more reserved I am, I realized that I don't like it. It doesn't matter what kind of shoes I wear if I don't like myself or other people may not like the new me. I was trying to be more "sophisticated" and grown up, but I guess I shouldn't try and let myself be who I am and let myself grow up at my own pace. |
|
|
| From Finish to Starting Line |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|07:34 pm] |
I don't want to jump too far ahead in concluding certain things, but let's just say that there are things going down in my life that I called out a few years ago that I think are coming to fruition. I have to give props to Livejournal for the "Private" feature on entries.
I just can't bring myself to share this with anyone. Maybe I don't want to be an alarmist. Or maybe I just don't want people know that hidden inside me is this burning and hurting secret. Maybe I'm just afraid of how people will react. Or maybe I'm just too private. Or maybe even just sharing it will break me down into tears that I don't want people to see.
This 4th of July weekened will be spent thinking about these things. I'm left in the dark alone to ponder my life. I wonder if I'm being foolish. I wonder if I'm taking the easy way out. I wonder which way would be the easy way: Would it be easier to give up or hang on? Is it better to decide now or later?
Maybe after this weekend, once I find out what the hell is going on, I'll let you guys know. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|07:10 am] |
|
It's not that I've gone out of my way to not have anything to do with my ex-boyfriend, Dee anymore. It just happens that way. Since I work the graveyard shift, I never have and never will run into him at work. We both live in different areas and I probably would never run into him at the store or when I'm out and about doing my errands.
As ironic as it sounds, I get any news about Dee from Rob. I found out that he was going to go into the military in January. When I heard about it, I looked up Dee's name in our directory at work, and sure enough, it was no longer there. So, the other night, the subject of Dee's department came up in a conversation between Rob and I. It turned out that Dee went to boot camp, and after boot camp, went into the Reserves instead. He tried to come back to work and into the same position he was in, and when they wouldn't let him, he made idle threats about losing his job just because he went into the military. So, they gave him his job back.
It didn't hit me until about an hour after Rob told me. It had to sink in, I guess, but it irritated me. My first thought was, "What a jerk." But shit like that--him making threats like that, totally sounds like him, or at least his no-good mother who's always up in his business. It totally ruined any back up plans I had for possibly ever going into his department if I were to ever get burnt out in the department I'm in.
My second thought was, "THAT BASTARD! I WASTED AN EMOTION AND MY TIME ON HIM THINKING HE WAS WALKING INTO HIS OWN DEATH." It pisses me off that he enlisted in the military, PURPOSELY SEARCHED FOR MY ONLINE JOURNAL--you know, the one he isn't allowed to read, saw that I felt a little sad that he was practically committing suicide and felt sorry for his life because I figured that it must've been that bad that he doing something like enlist in the military at a time of war, AND THEN LEAVE AND DECIDE TO COME BACK.
Not that I'm saying that my journal entry had any kind of bearing of whether he chose to go into the reserves instead of serve his time in active duty. But it pisses me off that I even felt sorry for him in the first place. |
|
|
| I'll Talk about my Birthday in a Minute (Thanks for the Watch/Jewelry Box, Aerish, BTW. VERY KAWAII) |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|10:27 pm] |
So I'm about to pass out from an exhausting day of not enough sleep and too much driving and not enough shopping, but I just had to get this off my chest.
I did go out with Shauna, Jer and their friend who I've met a few times, Colin for dinner at our usual Chinese restaurant. It had been a while since we all hung out together, and the few times since my post about Shauna and Jer's relationship that we did hang out, it was a little awkward between Jer and I. I think he could sense that I was a little "weird" around him. It was getting better, up until today when he said tried to argue with me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a good argument, but now with Jer, it just gets really annoying. Both of us are very tenacious and to be honest with you, I will never give up my side regardless if I'm right or not, because I simple cannot give him the satisfation of agreeing with him.
And I can tell, because I know him, that he gets a little peeved at me because of the way I think--it's not the same way that he does. Well, there's a slight difference, but the passion and confidence I put out about my opinion, I'm sure, is what bugs him about it. Because he always has to be right.
I brought up the Michael Jackson case and I was the only one at the table who felt that he was guilty in some way. I told him, "Everyone in the case was tainted: the defendent, the parents, the kid, etc. I don't think that this was the case that the prosecution should have tried. I think that they were just quick to jump on the oportunity to finally get someone else to come forward. I do think that he's guilty of something."
Jer was quick to retort, almost disgusted at what I had just said, something like, "So you think that terrorists are bad, so we were justified in invading Iraq?" He ALWAYS has to bring something political around. I didn't exactly understand or hear what he said but it had something to do with terrorists and Iraq. It was THE. WEAKEST. ANALOGY. I'VE. EVER. HEARD.
First of all, I told him, "No, you're missing the point." If I were to use the analogy he did it would be, "Just because we didn't find Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq doesn't mean that Saddam Hussein is a saint. I think that we went into the war for the wrong reason."
The way he said it just really pissed me off. Jer said, "Well, I think that he's a cool guy."
I told him, "Jer, I think that he's a talented singer and dancer, but not a cool person. He's 46 years old sleeping with 12 year old boys. You only like him because you don't want to grow up either."
"Yeah, at least I'm not old and bitter like you."
"Oh, remember, you're older than I am Jer."
Jer longs too much for the innocence lost from his childhood. He do anything again just to be 5 years old with no responsibilities and to not have to worry about how crappy of a world we have to live in. I maybe bitter at the world we live in, but I'm not longing for "my youth". I've accepted it and moved on.
And about Michael Jackson, if he loved "children" so much, why were there only BOYS sleeping in his bed? I seriously hope that he finally grows up. This should be a smack in the face to finally stop doing whatever the hell he's doing and grow up. Hopefully now, those stupid parents will realize that THIS IS A FUCKING SIGN TO STOP PUTTING THEIR KIDS IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY COULD BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. |
|
|
| Conflicting Interests |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|07:50 pm] |
So this weekend Rob will be moving out of this apartment and into a condo he will rent out with a friend.
Having a roommate is something that [I] could deal with. This friend, whom I shall refer to as Dan, has been living with Rob for the last month and a half. He and his wife split, and he had nowhere else to go. I'm looking forward to this new place, just because Dan will have his own space now. In this apartment, he was bunking in the "home office" so I wasn't able to use the computer when he was here sleeping.
However, with Dan, there comes a lot of baggage I really am not looking forward to dealing with. For one, he was cheating on his wife with another woman, whom I shall refer to as Tiffany, who was also married at the time. Dan and his ex-wife's marriage was fucked up in the first place. It was a really weird situation. Dan is a big push-over, and his wife just dragged him around, which is why he ended up seeking emotional support elsewhere. It'll take a long time to explain Dan and his ex-wife's situation, so I won't bother. Like I said, it was a weird and fucked up situation in the first place.
I usually refer to Tiffany as a homewrecker, but it's not that part that really bothers me. I mean, if she were going to cheat on her husband, it didn't matter that it was with Dan who was married at the time or not. Even if it were with anyone else, it was still cheating. What does bother me is the way she treats Dan.
Dan is a very, VERY, V.E.R.Y. accomodating guy. If you asked him to jump, he would be the one to ask how high and if he could clean your shoes afterward. It's very odd how much anyone could control him. He's just the nicest guy, and never wants to say no or hurt anyone else's feelings. Given that fact, Tiffany just seems like a controling bitch. On my nights off, when all three of us, Rob, Dan and myself are in the apartment, the phone is constantly ringing. It's her, yelling at him, hanging up on him, and then calling back. Once, she yelled at him because, he didn't email her yet telling her that "he was thinking about her". At dinner, she yelled at him for eating the pickle that was on his plate that came with his sandwich, when she already had one. According to her, she will always eat his pickle no matter how many she has on her plate.
You know, I'm glad that he left his wife because from what I know of their relationship, it wasn't a very good one in the first place. But, I really think that he shouldn't be in a relationship, especially this one now.
When Rob agreed to have Dan move in a month and a half ago, they both agreed that neither the ex-wife nor the girlfriend would come over to the apartment. They were fine with that. Now that they are going to actually renting this condo and both paying an equal amount of rent, Rob really can't stop him from having any of Dan's friends over.
You know what that means, right? I practically live with Rob. Not officially, but I'm here 5-6-7 times a week. That means that not only will I have Dan as a roommate, I'll practically have Tiffany as a roommate as well. I only assume that she'll come over now that she will be or has filed for a divorce from her husband. We all work at the same place, by the way. I've never spoken to her before. I don't really want to look or smile at her. She doesn't know that I don't like her. When at the apartment, I'll be cordial and all, but I'm not about to be best friends with her. The last thing we all need is for a cat fight to break out. It would only put Dan and Rob in an awkward situation and I don't want to be banned either from visiting Rob at his condo.
Since I work a different shift from all of them, and she has a busy schedule with school and all, I'm hoping not really to run into her at all.
There's another problem, though. About a year and a half ago, one of the new members on my team at work, Jimmy, started to bug the hell out of me. It may not seem like it, but it really does take a lot to get on my bad side. There are things that irritate me, things that I don't agree with, but then there are things that one does to really get my blood boiling and he does that to me. I especially try not to let my co-workers get to me because I have to deal with them ON A DAILY BASIS. I don't need the added stress in my life to see someone I can't stand that often.
For the life of me, I can't remember what it was that he said that pissed me off, but he did say something that really offended me. It wasn't personal to me exactly, but it wasn't very.... Let's just say that it was probably something a very conservative Republican from the South would say. Me being a moderate who leans more left than right would find something like what he said offensive. He was just plain annoying, too. He sat in the desk on the other side of the half wall from me. If the wall wasn't there, we would almost be facing each other. He would always physically MOVE HIS CHAIR from around the wall, sat there NEXT TO MY DESK FACING ME, quietly, almost waiting for me to say something to him. I WASN'T THERE TO FUCKING ENTERTAIN YOU, JACKASS. I like my space very much, and he WAS ALWAYS IN MY BUBBLE. If he wasn't sitting there next to me, he would STAND NEXT TO MY DESK, LEANING AGAINST IT. I didn't like his work ethic either. He always missed work, bitched and complain that he wasn't getting the job that posted for, and yada yada yada. He was in love, and spoke a lot of his fiance who lived in Arizona. He was a non-practicing Mormon, but believe very much that Mormonism is the correct religion and was hell bent on converting his fiance, who practiced Bahi, so that he could marry in a Mormon church. He was a big fucking hypocryte, and I think we all know how much I hate hypocrytes. DON'T FUCKING PREACH TO ME THAT YOUR RELIGION IS THE ONLY RELIGION TO GET YOU INTO HEAVEN, WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN FOLLOW IT AND YOU'RE GOING TO ARIZONA EVERY WEEKEND TO PRE-MARITALLY FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
Fortunately, he quit work and I think moved to Arizona. He was only on my team for a few months. However, he's friends with Dan. I heard that he was coming back into town. I don't know if that means that I'll be seeing him at the condo or not. I could deal with Tiffany, because I don't adamantly hate her as much as I almost do Jimmy.
This next year is going to be FUN FUN FUN. |
|
|
| There's A Whole Lot of Cooking Going on |
[May. 30th, 2005|06:54 am] |
I really liked the saying one of my co-workers said to me, "Exposure brings acceptance."
So with that said, it seems that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER is pregnant or was pregnant. Now, I'm not ready right now to have a baby, but I have to admit that I'm a lot closer than I was a couple of years ago.
I wrote about this in my journal a couple of years ago about being disconnected from children. Losing my own childhood innocence left me stranded in this "pergatory-like" state--I was neither a child, a teenager, nor really an adult yet. I couldn't yet find my place at family parties. I wasn't young enough to run around the house and I wasn't old enough to hang out with the moms and dads.
I've been surrounded by little kids everywhere now. At work and among friends. Both of my bosses' wives are pregnant, one of them with their second kid within a year. One of my former desk partners is pregnant. My co-worker Greg just his first baby a couple of months ago. One of Rob's friends just had their first baby, and another friend couple is also pregnant.
I've had this almost fear or very humbling feeling when it came to holding other people's kids. I don't know where it came from, but I had this thought that the parent might not want me to hold the baby--like I would drop him or her or something bad would happen, or that I wasn't that "worthy" to hold their baby. I don't know, I just had some kind of complex with holding babies. The first newborn I held was Geoff and Lisa's baby about two years ago, and even then, I don't think I was as ready to. Before that, the only other time I held an actual baby/newborn was one of our family friends. I was 10 years old at the time. Geoff and Lisa didn't mind at all, and we were close friends, but it still felt really awkward.
Just a month ago, my co-worker brought in his baby girl. I don't know what it was--maybe it was because I thought if he of all people could have a baby (and believe me, it's hard to see him as a dad because he's... pretty clueless) that I couldn't do anything worse to the baby than what he probably has already done. She's was so light and so cute.
I don't know, maybe it's since I've had this cat, that now the notion of taking care of a little something isn't so bad. I mean, I totally love my cat to death. I spoil him rotten. I wonder how much better it will be when I have my own kid. And yes, I am, in fact, banking on the fact that it will be a good experience.
I've found myself now, being able to play with kids more. It isn't as awkward. Now, to me, it seems that there is a definitive line between me and kids. I do feel like an adult now. Now that I'm secure in where I am, it seems easier. |
|
|
| The Point of Pointy Shoes |
[May. 27th, 2005|06:48 am] |
|
I was walking through the shoe section of TJ MAXX and omg I found a pair of shoes like ( these ) but black and white. I thought they were cute, but after I tried them on, I thought that they were EVEN CUTER. Believe it or not, they actually felt comfortable!
I didn't get them, but I'm still mulling over whether I should. I was wondering what kind of outfits I could wear them with and if I would ever wear them. But, I think that I might pick them up, and if I change my mind, I could always return them.
Another reason why I was wondering if I should get them is because Rob, Shauna and Jer don't like the notion of pointy-toed shoes. I had bought a different pair and showed them to Rob. He started freaking out about how my toes could even fit in them and how comfortable they were. When I mean "freaking out" I mean IT. WAS. LIKE. ROCKET. SCIENCE.
I don't know that any of them will be readily embracing "the new me". I've been shopping A LOT lately and I've been adding SO MUCH color into my waredrobe. I have lots of pinks, corals/peaches, pale yellows, and whites now. Rob even said, when I was "modeling" my new outfits in front of him, "I'm just so used to seeing you in black." As I was coming out of the bedroom from changing, I heard Rob and his roommate coming back inside from smoking saying something about "...used to black." I only assume that he was talking about me.
I have to admit that ever since I got back from visiting Jesse from up north, I've been changing my perspective on my appearance. I don't know if it were because we were walking through Montecito--A RICH ASS CITY WHERE PEOPLE LIKE OPRAH OR BRAD PITT AND JENNIFER ANNISTON normally tumble through, in my Elmo sweatshirt and my ratty-tatty jeans and kind of feeling uncomfortable and out of place. Or, maybe a little embarrassing for Jesse and her friend. Or, Jesse referring to TLC's show "What Not to Wear" ALL THE TIME. Or what. I think that part of it is, is that when I went up there, I kind of gauged where I ought to be in my life. I mean, if I had attended school up there, I wonder where my life, and my style/personality would be.
I'm going to be turning 24 here soon, and I literally cannot be 21 forever. Since I'm rearing "mid-twenties" I think that I should start looking and acting like it. There's this 45 year old at work. She's a grandmother already. Her and I actually wear the same brand of clothes. It's scary to think. Regardless if it's because we're both petite and it's hard enough finding clothes that fit our size, I don't want to be that age and wearing things that even 14 or 15 year olds wear.
Oh yeah, and according to TLC's "What Not to Wear", pointy toed shoes make the line of the leg look longer, hence making one look taller. I'm short as it is already, so I need the height. And the maturity. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ravenish's journal